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Post by patrickonghm "ahyee" on Aug 10, 2007 3:07:44 GMT 7
Freedom Cost Him An Arm
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out!
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Post by patrickonghm "ahyee" on Aug 10, 2007 3:08:23 GMT 7
You have Got Mail
A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he noticed that his neighbor, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it, and returned to her home empty handed.
About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again. She checked the mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed.
She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it. "Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes?" the man asked.
"Because," replied the blonde, "my computer keeps telling me that I've got mail!"
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Post by patrickonghm "ahyee" on Aug 10, 2007 3:08:38 GMT 7
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at
a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest
room. Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started
working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He
studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to
climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the
company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of
the line Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my
pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to
flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner
in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so
rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his
birthday.
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the
best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave
away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth
friend returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the
congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel
for the successes of our sons. What about your son?" The fourth
man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I
love him. And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was
two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot
mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his
three boyfriends."
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Post by patrickonghm "ahyee" on Aug 10, 2007 3:09:00 GMT 7
(1) TURN INTO STONE Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady? Boy 2: Becos my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I'll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already!
(2) NAMES OF WIVES A malay man had 4 wives, and he called his ...
4th wife ..... baby doll 3rd wife ..... china doll 2nd wife ..... barbie doll 1st wife ..... panadol
(3) HOW INDIA GOT ITS NAME This is how India got its name..... The king was having sex with his mistress while thinking a name of his country and his mistress ask him "Is It In Dear?"...
(4) RESEARCH FINDING Research shows men are fatter than women because every-night men get fresh milk & 2 big papayas while women only get 1 banana, 2 peanuts & 1 tea-sthingy of starch!
(5) ARAB MAN An arab was being interviewed at a US checkpoint. 'Your name pls.'? "Abdul Aziz " "Sex? " "Six times a week !!! " "No, no, I mean male or female! " "Doesn't matters, sometimes even camel!"
(6) SERVICE Sex is like a petrol station. Sometimes you get full satisfactory service, and sometimes you have to be satisfied with self-service"
(7) SWIMSUIT Why was the 2-piece swimsuit invented? To separate the HAIRY section from the DAIRY section.
(8) GOOD AMBITION Teacher : What do you want to become? Little Johnny : Doctor ! Teacher : Why? Little Johnny : Coz its the only profession where u can tell a woman to take off her clothes and ask her husband to pay for it.
(9) DENTIST Woman complaining to dentist: "It's so painful, I'll rather have a baby than have a tooth removed." Dentist: "Make up your mind soon, I'll adjust the chair accordingly."
(10) VIRGIN Old lady, 85, a virgin, about to die. wanted her tombstone to read : BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN. The engraver shortened it to: " RETURNED UNOPENED "
(11) OLD MAN AND YOUNG GIRL 75 yr old man got married to a 15 yr girl. On their first night both were crying - why??? Coz she didn't know anything, and he had forgotten everything.
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Post by patrickonghm "ahyee" on Aug 10, 2007 3:11:35 GMT 7
Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?" Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about". Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
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Post by patrickonghm "ahyee" on Aug 10, 2007 3:11:51 GMT 7
CSV Support There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; May I help you?" Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." Operator: "What sort of trouble??" Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." Operator: "Went away?" Caller: "They disappeared." Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" Caller: "Nothing." Operator: "Nothing??" Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??" Caller: "How do I tell?" Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??" Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?" Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?" Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??" Caller: "What's a monitor?" Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??" Caller: "I don't know." Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??" Caller: "Yes, I think so." Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Caller: "Yes, it is." Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??" Caller: "No." Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." Caller: "Okay, here it is." Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." Caller: "I can't reach." Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??" Caller: "No." Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??" Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." Operator: "Dark??" Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then." Caller: "I can't." Operator: "No? Why not??" Caller: "Because there's a power failure." Operator: "A power...................................... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and annuals and packing stuff your computer came in??" Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?" Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is." Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??" Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer"
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Post by BlackJack TS-18 on Sept 14, 2007 21:14:51 GMT 7
GUYS, THIS JOKE IS REALLY CLASSIC N DARN FUNNY. PLS READ IF U WANNA CHEER UP ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked simple questions:
MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L" Miss USA: Lamp Miss Malaysia: Light Bulb Miss Singapore: LADIO Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"
MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name me an animal starting with the letter "L" Miss USA: Lion Miss Malaysia: Leopard Miss Singapore: LABBIT Judge: No, no, no!
MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that starts with "L" Miss USA: Lexus Miss Malaysia: Lamborghini Miss Singapore: Lolls-Loyce Judge: Oh my God! MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L" Miss USA: Lemon Miss Malaysia: Lychee Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN!!
This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really be disqualified; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having so many problems with the letter "L", they decided to give her another chance.
Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L" Miss USA: Lung (applause) Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause) Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU The Judges fainted..!!!
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Post by BlackJack TS-18 on Sept 27, 2007 7:37:21 GMT 7
WHY MUST KNOW HOW TO SPEAK ENGLISH ? One day, an Ang Moh from USA arrived at KLIA Airport. After he checked out from the customs, he felt he needed to go to the toilet, so he looked for one. When he found the toilet, there was a lady sitting at the entrance. When he was about to enter the toilet, the lady stopped him and asked for forty cents in Cantonese ("sey kok"). The Mat Salleh wondered why in MALAYSIA they have to "see the thingy" before entering the toilet? So he said "no" but the lady insisted. Since he had no choice, he took out his thingy and showed it to her. The lady said "No! No! Duit, Duit!" (money in Malay), but the Ang Moh misunderstood again and thought that she said " Do it! Do it ! " So he asked, "Now? Here?" The lady replied "Yes, yes!" because she doesn't quite understand English. The Ang Moh thought that she wanted to have sex with him, so he stripped the lady and made love to her. The lady started screaming and shouted, "SAKIT!SAKIT!" (pain in Malay), and the Ang Moh thought it was "SUCK IT! SUCK IT!" He said "OK! I will suck it for you" and took both breasts and suck them. The lady again screamed "Oh, TUHAN!" (Oh, MY GOD....in Malay). The Ang Moh misunderstood again. "Too HARD? OK, sweetheart, I'll be gentler a bit," the Ang Moh replied. Suddenly, a security guard walked by, so the lady shouted for help, "TOLONG! TOLONG, ENCIK!" The Ang Moh replied, "Not too long, just 6 inches only."
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Post by Mok-SG 04(Camera man) on Sept 30, 2007 22:06:28 GMT 7
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Post by BlackJack TS-18 on Oct 1, 2007 9:28:38 GMT 7
hahaha Mok, tis is good one man. wakenabeb!!
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Post by Mok-SG 04(Camera man) on Oct 1, 2007 9:41:35 GMT 7
hahaha Mok, tis is good one man. wakenabeb!! ya right? so.. many saman u got?
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Post by sweesum @ TS-04(ERT) on Oct 3, 2007 1:08:17 GMT 7
3 saman!! hahaha
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Post by BlackJack TS-18 on Oct 16, 2007 8:23:59 GMT 7
Why Malaysian Government insists on using English for math and science? This is because the whole world uses the language as an information and/or technology language. How dangerous it will be if we try to use Bahasa, especially in school. See example below:-
Hardware = barangkeras
Software = baranglembut
Joystick = batang gembira
Plug and Play = cucuk dan main
Port = lubang
Server = pelayan
Client = pelanggan
Try to translate this:
ENGLISH:
That server gives a plug and play service to the client using either hardware or software joystick. The joystick goes into the port of the client.
Now in BAHASA:
Pelayan itu memberi pelanggannya layanan cucuk dan main dengan menggunakan batang gembira jenis keras atau lembut. Batang gembira itu akan dimasukkan ke dalam lubang pelanggan.
Now you know...WHY...
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Post by Mok-SG 04(Camera man) on Oct 16, 2007 8:37:46 GMT 7
i got a joke, wish to share out.. the title i want to put as "assignment".. let me plan for the story... coz it is a real story amongst us... so.. let me slowly structure it... hehe...
"ASSIGNMENT!!!"
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Post by BlackJack TS-18 on Oct 22, 2007 10:56:46 GMT 7
u all must read this.... i've added some contents just to make it funnier...haha enjoy. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- EVO vs GTR vs KANCIL!!
One fine day, got one Skyline GTR driving on the road. Suddenly the GTR saw one Kancil stopped at the side because got engine problem.
GTR offer to help n tow the Kancil to the nearest workshop. The GTR owner told tell the Kancil driver that if he is driving too fast, pls flash at him and he will slow down. Then, the Kancil is tied with a rope behind the GTR.
During the journey, out of sudden, got one Mitsubishi Evo 9 drove very fast and pump the engine when it passed the GTR. The GTR got pissed and decided to race with the Evo 9.
During the race, there was a police speed trap, the police saw the GTR and Evo 9 driving very very fast from far...
Then the police report to HQ on the illegal raceā¦ Police: *while watching the scope* over ...over.... control ... Ada sebiji Evo bawak laju - wah, 220km/j ....
Police: Aaaah ... tengah kejar .... wah Skyline GTR .... aaa .... wah 260km/j.
Police: over... over ... control .... Ada lagi lumba. lagi sebiji kereta ... err .... AH AH MAAAAA, Kancil buatan Malaysia tengah TIONG Skyline ....siap lampu kelip (flashing lights) dan hon nak overtake ni SKYLINE ni.....
Then the police also say " Malaysia Boleh"
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Post by Mok-SG 04(Camera man) on Oct 24, 2007 8:30:57 GMT 7
Miss World Wannabees - Questions
Question: Ms America, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms America: Well, I can say that a male organ in America is like a gentleman. Question: How can you say so? Ms America: Because it stands every time it sees a woman......................... (Applause! Applause!)
Question: Ms Spain, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms Spain: A male organ in our country is like our very own Bullfight or Toro (Bull) Question: How can you say so? Ms Spain: Because it charges every time it sees an opening.... (Applause! Applause!)
Question: Ms Philippines, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms Philippines: Well, I can say that a male organ in our country is like a gossip or rumour. Question: How can you say so? Ms Philippines: Because it passes from mouth to mouth...... (Applause! Applause! Standing Ovation! Applause! Applause!)
Question: Ms Iran, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms Iran: Well, I can say that a male organ in Iran is like a thief. Question: How can you say so? Ms Iran: Because it likes to enter through the back door..... (Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! Applause!)
Question: Ms India, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms India: Well, I can say a male organ in India is like a labourer. Question: How can you say so? Ms India: Because it works day and night...... (Applause! Applause! Applause!
Question: Ms Malaysia, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms Malaysia: Well, I can say that a male organ in Malaysia is like a Proton car. Question: How can you say so? Ms Malaysia: Looks tough but is actually very soft............................ (Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! )
Question: Ms Singapore, how do you describe a male organ in your country? Ms Singapore: Well, I can say that a male organ in Singapore is very Kiasu (Afraid to lose). Question: How can you say so? Ms Singapore: It always wants to rush in quickly and leave 15 minutes before the show is over (Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause!)
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"Is is easier to build strong children than to have broken men."
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Post by sweesum @ TS-04(ERT) on Oct 24, 2007 16:11:19 GMT 7
lol, nice one mok n jack!
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Post by BlackJack TS-18 on Nov 28, 2007 16:31:50 GMT 7
After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Swedish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Swedes, in the weeks that followed, English scientist dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read; English archaeologists have found traces of 2000
year old fiber-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the Swedes.
One week later, Malaysian newspapers reported the following: After digging as deep as 5000 meters in padi fields in Kedah, Malaysian scientists have found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, have concluded that 5000 years ago, Malaysian's inhabitants were already using wireless technology.
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Post by sweesum @ TS-04(ERT) on Nov 30, 2007 22:40:12 GMT 7
lol.... nice jokes!
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Post by BlackJack TS-18 on Jan 3, 2008 14:14:16 GMT 7
SUBJECT : How to check if the man is still a virgin
"A very 'straight and honest' girl is going to Kuala Lumpur . Before she left, her mother gave her some advice.
"Daughter, when you're in KL and if you're looking for a match there, you must take note of the following requirements Mother set for you. You must find a man that is 'faithful', not 'spendthrift' and must be a 'virgin'."
With this advise from her mother, the girl went to Town. After some months later, she came home to her kampung to get her mother's blessings to marry.
"Mother, I've met my match following your instructions. My future husband is faithful because when we went out for a holiday one day, he took care of me specifically even though there were so many prettier girls around. Isn't that being faithful?".
Her mother nodded in agreement.
"Then, since the day was getting late in the night and rain was pouring, my boyfriend decided that we stay the night at a hotel. He also suggested that in order not to spend too much, we shared one room only. Isn't he not spendthrift guy?"
For the second time her mother nodded her head in agreement, but with a little concern.
"And finally mum..., I know he is a virgin".
"How did you know he is still a virgin?" The mother asked with repidition.
"Mmm....his 'that one' is new......still wrapped up in rubber plastic,mum!"
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